Revelations. Of Various Kinds.

Hello friends. I hope you are all keeping well

I will start this by saying the past couple of weeks have not been the easiest of times for me. But, in reality, I think it roots back further than a few weeks, and possibly further than I care to delve into. It's always strange when you start to trace it back.
I've explained, previously, about my anxiety and the way it effects me. In the past weeks, it's got bad, worse than before even. A consistent headache has plagued me during this time also, which, it turned out was a symptom of my anxiety.
I'm pleased to say I am finally getting ways with which to deal with this, which, though a little scary, is also quite a comforting thought.

And, over the past couple of days, I have been doing some musing over certain things, and I think I have come across some revelations, which, in many ways surprise me, but in other ways really do not.

I'll start with the one that, actually, makes me feel the happiest and calmest, now that I've figured it out. And, in fact is the reason I chose this particular journal skin...

I make no secret over my love and (sometimes blind...) devotion to Gerard. If it were possible for webpages to scream at you through words and pictures alone, all my online accounts would basically just scream the word 'GERARD' at you over and over again.
And, I admit, freely, that sometimes, due to my 'obsessive' (I mean this in the best way, and I'm actually quite happy and fond of using that word to describe myself), nature can mean I take that kind of love to higher levels, ones that send me into what I refer to as 'manic' states. (please forgive me if anyone is offended by me using this word). This is not a pleasant place for me. It leads to and feeds on worries, fears and, you guessed it, anxieties.
In case there was any doubt on the matter, my recent submission 'My Happy', is about exactly that. It is very much about Gerard, and it explains the way I feel about him, and the way I see him. He is a very positive force in my life, but I also recognise that, if I'm not careful, I could easily turn him into a factor of my anxiety (and, I admit, once again freely, that he has in the past, including the recent past, through no fault of his own. Only due to the way my mind works).
Please make no mistake, I am not saying, or implying that Gerard is a negative aspect of my life. My feelings towards him have not changed.

Anyway. To the revelation. Ever since Hesitant Alien came out, that is what I have listened to. Constantly. Getting ready in the morning? Hesitant Alien. On the way to work? Hesitant Alien. On lunch break? Hesitant Alien. On the way home from work? Hesitant Alien.
You get the picture.
Which, really, is not surprising to me. I do not get sick of songs and albums I love. But, then, I realised I was... Missing something.
So. A few nights ago, I put Stomachaches on, for the first time since Hesitant Alien came out.
And... Forgive my flowery wording, but it was like... Breathing with both lungs again. And it was like I hadn't even realised I was trying to survive on only one, until I got both back. And, you know, it made sense.
I always hoped that once the solo albums came out, that I'd be able to 'keep hold' of both Frank and Gerard. I wanted to remain a fan of both, even if I knew it would never be completely equal. You can't love two people the same way, after all. But, unwittingly, I had in fact let go of Frank, and, I guess I realise... I do need both. They are my balance. My yin and yang, if you will.
They are both very important to me, and, actually, that is a relief to find out. I recognise the way I feel about Frank will never be as 'intense' as the way I feel about Gerard, but, really, that is part of the balance, and makes him incredibly important in my life. I realise now how much I was missing him, and I'm glad I figured this out.

Another revelation.
Ever since finishing Runaway, I have spoken a few times about finding it difficult to write. My focus is all over the place, and, though I have started many fics, I haven't finished anything, and only keep starting more.
It occurred to me, around the time the things about Frank occurred to me, that, possibly, now is the time to start moving forward, perhaps this is the sign to start something new.
Two years ago now, I wrote a letter to Gerard, and gave it to him when I met him in Vegas.
I am not going to reveal the full contents of that letter, as that is very much between myself and him. But. One of the things I wrote, and promised him, was that I was going to write a novel, and dedicate it to him.
After that meeting, Runaway was born, and I love that story very, very much.
And, now, with it done, I'm thinking... Now is time to start work on that story I can dedicate, and give to Gerard. The one I promised.
This is not me saying I am never writing fan fiction again. I do not believe I have yet written my final Frerard story, especially since I still have so many to finish! But, I am saying that, possibly, it's time for me to allow the boys to start to inspire me in a new way, a slightly less direct way. I'm not sure exactly what might be coming, and this one you guys might not see until it's completion, but... I'm pretty excited by where this might take me.

I will just reiterate: I AM NOT DONE WITH FANFICTION. I AM NOT DONE WRITING FRANK/GERARD.
It's just not going to be my only focus anymore

Whoa... This was quite the outpouring... I think, once again, I do have Gerard to thank for this. He is being very open and honest about himself, and, honestly, it makes me want to be the same. Openness can be scary, but it can also heal.